Persona Update

This is an 'about me' blog post. - might use 'Persona Update' as title for succeeding similar posts.

The post title is 'Persona Update', but this one is more like 'New Realizations About Myself / My Personality - and since I've had posts similar to this before, this is an Update.'

1. I have Chuunibyou.

I've created original characters since high school, one of which I intended to represent myself.

Long time has passed- The difference in reality between the real me and that character had inevitably become great, but I still consider that character = me. This can only be called chuunibyou, especially if you consider how that certain character can only be classified as someone who belongs in the 'supernatural' genre.

Now, while I'm glad I had more understanding of my condition, I feel that I might regret acknowledging this condition as chuunibyou. I mean, just knowing this is chuunibyou... might make this chuunibyou greater, and worse.

I'm not saying that chuunibyou itself is something negative, but I can't dismiss the possibility that this chuunibyou part of me will overwhelm and overshadow my realist self (now that I have acknowledged it as such)- which is definitely NG. We all know that with chuunibyou, everything is possible...


2. I have a talent for 'Self-deprecation'

A side note! One that I might simply delete later if I find myself being redundant, posting this topic again when I've already whined about it in a previous post/s.



My vocabulary is very limited so I'm attracted to complicated-sounding words.

However! My curiousness about the wonders of great vocabulary skills doesn't come close to beating my 'could-care-less' and 'too troublesome, so no' attitude.

I want to be able to correctly, swiftly identify and use which words suit the situation best, but-
Even now my lack of skills in this area make me want to cry, but-

In any case, the issue is whether to use 'derogate', or 'deprecate'. No... if you have better words, please let me know.

Huh? I should've just confirmed the differences of these two words myself? I should've just google-ed them? Well, I did, you know. But as I've said, I have talent in self-deprecation. This also leads to self-doubt.

...I'll just use 'self-deprecation' from here on, but this vocabulary issue will remain open until someone finally manages to convince me otherwise.


Self-deprecation.
Basically equates to 'I don't believe in myself'.

What happens is, when I commit a mistake, they're never simple mistakes but are automatically 'grave' ones, grave mistakes. As imperfect as I am, I'd always find the urge to quickly hide somewhere, disappear from the other party, or erase my presence (which unfortunately something I can't do, being just me). That is, when I make a mistake, for example, not being able to turn an assignment on time, I tend to just disappear from the class (hide from the professor, etc). Its imperative that I'd lose all faces and there's nothing left to show.

What's worse is that, I have somewhat gained the attention of the lot because of my outlying performance (that is, compared to my current peers, which I infer is just a difference in age and experience in the related fields, thus should've be given merit, but- they unfortunately doesn't share my views). --That there are worlds of difference in my top-condition performance and my sudden disappearance and drop in performance (which of course doesn't come with a proper excuse - I'm just hiding my face), makes things more difficult.

I can't keep a low profile anymore, and they all have their selfish expectations of me. Then I tend to scorn their expectations, being someone who doesn't believe in herself.

Have I mentioned that I tend to deny any sort of 'praise'? I can't remember myself having performed enough, so its normal for me to deny praise, right? I want to question the height of my standards, but I find it easier to question the height of the standards of the people who offer words of praise. I'd always become happier being told negative criticism; they'd always sound more real, more genuine to me.

Anyway, I can only tell myself its my fault for being overly pessimistic - the only way to solve things is to step forward, show myself, and rain down beads of sweat when questioned for my disappearing acts. That is, I can only tell the world I'm a shitty coward or tell them half-truths that may as well be self-serving lies.
Ah, how I grieve about how I am someone who cannot act. If I at least have a poker-face skill...

Oops, am I revealing too much?
Though I'm quite confident none of those involved will be able to chance upon this post or any part of this site as its entirety is hidden from search engines, I still worry. I might have left some links somewhere that I haven't cleaned up yet.

Well, whatever. I say I'm cleaning links like cleaning evidence but there'd be times that I'd intentionally broadcast one of these links, one of these days. See, there's even navigation links and a tag cloud. (Forcefully enlighten people to make them care about me. hehe)

Ahh... the next one...


3. I only have myself.

A bit vague? I say I don't believe in myself but I only have myself...

I have realized this long, long before, but I haven't had the chance to write about this, so here it is now.

This can be interpreted as:

I who own this body can only rely on myself to move these arms and legs. (interpretation 1)



About not believing in myself but only having myself, I concluded:

Its better to let others believe in me than force myself to believe in myself.

Huh? Huh? The ideas are still contradicting. But if I say that 'the others beliefs' will only be treated as -bonus- feelings and not 'expected' ones, it makes sense, right? This is rather hard to explain. I'd like to stop caring here since I'm not expecting someone would actually try to get the meaning in these words.


Although there are cases where physically-challenged people have someone else to move as their arms and legs... the great leaders having their subordinates follow their orders without question... the anime and manga characters who have their devoted others who'd do anything for them,... I am not one of those.

Yes, yes, the above may be a result of me being a hopeless case of me degrading to something made of pure sloth...

I also wonder how I have become like this. Somehow its a given that this issue is one of the most common underlying topics in my mental chuunibyou mode (I only have 'mental' chuunibyou; Physical chuunibyou is not something I can afford... literally... for now... perhaps when alone...).

That I've resigned to this case, that I have no allies whatsoever, is something that I think is for the best. The realist me says so. The chuunibyou me agrees.

Perhaps the more meaningful interpretation:

I have no one. I have no real social connections. I am a failure in that aspect. Even my family, my parents, from me, are quite a long ways apart. (Interpretation 2)



While I do care for my family, we're all currently quite indifferent from each other. Well, we're in good terms with each other, but there's this awkward atmosphere between us all but it seems that it is only I that could and am acknowledging it. I also feel that it is NG to point it out.

As for the lack of social connections, it could only be my fault. Although the lack of opportunities for creating social connections? I'd like to place the blame of this part to my parents. Its either them being over-protective since I'm the eldest child but still someone who couldn't take care of myself, or them not having trust on me or my companions-. The part where I am someone who can't take care of myself? I can only say that is because I'm being spoiled. Then its my fault again since I still enjoy being spoiled even though I know that at this point, things are not going in a good direction.

As for why I like being alone, I don't know. I'm thinking its related to my arrogance, but that's again another topic.

Do I want people around me? Sure, I'd like people who could be happy being with me, but there are again problems with my personality.

Once, someone told me something akin to 'me being someone they want to know (be closer to), but I'm an existence so far away (out of reach sort)'. To which I retaliated with 'Huh? But since I'm a classmate, we meet everyday (and thus someone you could always talk to)?'

Only now I realize that I'm someone who on class breaks am always with another girl friend (always alone with someone i could get along and chat with for that entire break time, girl talk (not really 'girly' talk, but talk between two girls with the same interests), etc).

Heh, it was fun back then. It was during the last few days before high school graduation. Someone who I never really talk to (not necessary to talk to, no common topic, further more different gender, so its inevitable) suddenly insisting (pestering?) me about having lunch together. Heh. I could only respond with a mental smirk 'What? Why now?' - a wonderful example of the chuunibyou's applications, I've become someone who could not react more normally, without realizing it.

...Must I continue writing about this story? I'm having fun recalling and even writing about this, but anymore would turn this into just blabber. I'll continue this in a different post.

What else is there to say? I feel like I still have a lot to add in this Persona Update post, but they're not so significant. I'll post another when I feel there's a need to.

I could also just update this one whenever...

Posted in: about me,blog,chuuni,persona update